Tuesday, November 4

a mad rush of boundless profound beauty ...

It's Melbourne Cup day and I've picked five horses whose name I like to place a little bet on - I'm also going to watch the race on a big screen later on this afternoon.

I am not a better or interested in the races, it does ground the country to a halt. I am imagining that there is hardly any work going on in Melbourne today. On the way to work I passed a group of women all dressed up and I felt jealous. I think I am going to buy a fascinator - they're gorgeous.

Here are the horses whose names I love, Mad Rush, Boundless, Profound Beauty, Ice Chariot and Nom De Jeu.

There is a female jockey this year racing a horse called Moatize and my dad placed a bet on Zipping, Bauer and Red Lord for me as well.

I keep apologising to friends for not seeing them later because work is so consuming. I work overtime four nights a week and only get home after 8pm. I have to leave the house by 7:30am in the hopes of getting to work on time so it becomes an extremely long and tiring day.

I spend about 70 or 80 % of my time at work doing admin, answering calls and taking enrollments. I work through my lunch hour and also have to clean a training room at least 4 times a week. If there is a day seminar on, I clean the room when I open it, during the lunch break and when I close. I hate it. I am becoming bitter and I am counting the pennies. I can't measure value or worth.

But I can measure reasonable hours and a good salary. I am clocking a 9.5 hour day plus 3 hours of commuting. I work through lunch and I CLEAN which I hate with a passion. I also don't like admin.

I do love social networking and marketing and blogging but those fall by the wayside when I am consumed by all the admin work. It feels all consuming. I am not getting paid enough to work on such a low salary. And I should be grateful because I have a job but I am resentful.

I am resentful because I am wasting my time on a job with long hours and a crappy salary. I resent such long hours. I hate working through lunch. I do not like being miserable and taking it out on people I care about. I don't like having to rush after work to get somewhere I'd prefer to be because I am working overtime. I hate missing out on plans and movies and dinners and even seeing my niece more because I am finish too late. And I am exhausted.

I feel old.
I recover and clean on Saturdays now. I go to bed tired and wake up tired. I am overeating.
I am working out which bill to pay first because I am not making enough money. (This is why people bet!)

So when I came in today and looked at names like Profound Beauty and Boundless (Number 13) it made me feel a little better.

Just a tiny bit better.

Possibilities are boundless, this is about me needing to work out what I want, what hours I want to work, what salary I deserve and take action.

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