Over the last few weeks; I have been doing a lot of thinking, analysing and trying to work things out. My shop is going to be closing in the next few months! YES. You heard it here first and there is so much stress/work involved. Putting out ads, selling books, having a sale, and telling people.
The good thing is while I have been looking at my business and work life, my personal life has also been examined and analysed and I have been getting advice from all ends; mainly personal.
There seems to be a great call for mind & body development, for learning who you are, for growing, for changing and dealing with change something people didn't talk about let alone do 50 or so years ago. Especially women. Now it's all about nurturing, changing, trusting instincts, letting go, making mistakes, learning from them and making a bigger, better comeback.
Both ways are hard. Not doing anything means that you might become a shell, become lost and quiet and might one day resent not speaking, not standing up and doing everything and speaking up and making a point might be hard work and we could lose ourselves either way.
Ever since I realised I had a problem with eating almost two and a half years ago now, I have had to change. It's been a struggle, a hard thing to do because there are certain things I wanted to keep in place and it felt like everything fell apart and had to be put back together in bits & pieces.
I was terrified that I wouldn't know who I am or what I am capable of or that I'd lose some bits about myself that I love and yes that is what happened.
Sometimes I think about how lucky I am and always have been - I have an extremely supportive family - amazing sisters and a handful of really close friends, spare money & a lot of financial support, thousands of books, a great cat... - without those and their love, advice, support and limitless tolerance...it would have been harder.
I realise now that everything takes work & effort that i am clearly not the type of girl who stands down or stops analysing or is complacent and in many other ways I am extremely lazy! My head never stops and I am full of good intentions and love - full of curiosity and awe and desire to change and sometimes I just cannot overcome some things and some things need a lot more work that other things. And a lot of the time I am just simply too overwhelmed by all the things I feel I should be doing..
Also being diabetic is a challenge; in so many good ways because I know my body very well but it seems to conspire against me sometimes. Like all diabetics we swing low & high, get sick, get better, test our sugars, monitor our eating and inject every day. It is part of my life but sometimes it is extremely frustrating and the fact that I have nearly died from it a few times makes me realise how strong we are anatomically and physiologically. and how quickly our bodies could shut down and that i am in fact a mere mortal who has nearly died several times now and it is bloody terrifying and well makes sense of a lot of things.
So I have been thinking non stop and I feel loved, alive, aware, grateful, scared, frustrated and in some ways am all over the place. I'm tired, cancelling on important friends, being selfish and trying to order my life, make changes and deal with my personal life and my shop and all I want to do is hibernate!!!!
Last night I watched the last episode of series three in Greys Anatomy and proceeded to sob my eyes out.
I watch Greys because I love the writing, the connection I feel with the casts, personal lives and how I find meaning and reason within it - pathetic I know but that is why I read, learn things off the net , keep my curiosity awakened - I am the girl who looks for connection, love and meaning in this world and when I find some outlet I get very connected to it! Pathetic I hear your minds think :)
last night Greys was all about possibilities, desires, endings, new things and just generally messing up or being messed up.
When i heard Addison's advice to Alex about Ava - my heart connected and I sobbed like crazy because this is so true:
We do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want and this I know, nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life.
Once you get sick, develop an eating disorder, change almost your entire self, start a shop, see a shop end, make and lose people in your life and constantly work and achieve it is good to know that I live in a time where I can talk to people about this, grab opportunities, take risks and chances and just change my life.
But I am also learning that it is not limitless, we can miss out, we can make huge mistakes, we can walk away from something because we're afraid - no I am afraid. But I am afraid of not doing so many things, there are millions of thoughts running through my head but the main one is unlimited chances.